know any jokes?

[evil grill]

Billy's parents are talking about his age and that it's time for him to know something about how men and women can be together.
- I think it's better you tell him since you're a man. says mother.
- I think it's better my brother George tells him since they seem to understand each other. says father. The next day he meets his brother and says:
- Could you explain to Billy about the birds and the bees? None of us are comfortable with the topic and you have a way of talking to him.
- Sure I'll talk to him. says uncle George.
He goes to Billy and says:
- Hey Billy, how about we go for a walk and talk?
- Sure uncle George!
They walk and after a while they pass a windmill.
- Remember this windmill Billy?
- Yes.
- Remember last month when we met two girls here?
- Yes.
- You remember what we did with those girls?
- Yes.
- Well you see Billy, the birds and the bees also do that.

 

[pucho812]

I grew up in a poor household. We were so poor that when mom couldn’t feed us she would sit us around the table reading the recipe. My brother who is hard of hearing nearly starved to death

 

[pucho812]

When I was dating Loraine I got board and started to see a lady on the side Claire Lee.

when Loraine found out she left me. This is good news because I can see Claire Lee now Loraine is gone.

 

[pucho812]

Was at the pub last night and a lady got an ear piercing right in front of me.
On an unrelated topic I am not good at throwing darts

 

[pucho812]

Back in the day as American settlers went west. It was often customary that the settlers try and make peace with the native Americans.
To do so was a great challenge.
It included tests of making fire from two sticks, riding horses bare back, hand to hand combat and the most difficult of them all, saying “toy boat” 3 times real fast.

 

[Bobby Baird]

What happened to the guy that had to much phone sex...
He ended up with hearing AIDS!

 

[pucho812]

At the AES meeting the other night, people were sharing advice to the young kids about audio and studios. I don't think people got my joke about never hire a colorblind electrician.

 

[pucho812]

Have a friend who refers to the Kentucky derby as Amish nascar.

 

[pucho812]

A man picked up a hooker and took her home. For the evening the hooker charged him 500 dollars. The man asked if they could go at it with the lights out and the shades drawn at his house. She says it’s your money. When finished the man asked to wait 10 minutes and they would go again. The hooker said it’s your money. After the second time the man said again, 10 minutes and we can go again. This happens and after 4 times the hooker said Johnny, each time gets better and better you are the best client I ever had. The man replies Johnny? I am not Johnny he is outside selling your ass for 200 dollars a go.

 

[JohnRoberts]

I always say "mucho" around my hispanic friends. It means a lot to them.

JR

 

[pucho812]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley rider for traveling faster than the posted speed limit:
He asks the old biker his name.
“Fred.” He replies.
“Fred what?” The officer asks.
“Just Fred.” The old man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the old biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The old man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The old biker replies.
“It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, and residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! I got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

 

[pucho812]

A man out at a bar picks up a lady and they go back to hear place. In the morning after having spent the night together the man notices a photo of a man on her nightstand.
Worried he asks the lady is that your husband?
She says no silly.
Boyfriend?
No silly.
Brother, father?
No silly but boy, do I love you when you are jealous, it’s such a turn on.
After another go the man still bothered by the photo insists she tell him who is in the photo.
She replies, oh that, that’s me before the surgery.

 

[pucho812]

Remember the greener grass across the fence may be due to a septic tank issue

 

[ruffrecords]

Remember the greener grass across the fence may be due to a septic tank issue

My wife's father used to say something similar but implying the whole family next door peed on the lawn.

Cheers

Ian

 

[Brian Roth]

https://www.amazon.com/Grass-Always-Greener-over-Septic/dp/0345471725

Bri

 

[Rob Flinn]

I can't believe it, I was on the bus the other day, some guy, out of nowhere, started throwing cheese, yoghurt and milk at me!.....I was thinking "how Dairy".

 

[JohnRoberts]

People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their a_s from a hole in the ground...

(joke borrowed from social media).