know any jokes?

[ruffrecords]

When I told my Career Advisor that I simply wanted a job that put food on the table he suggested that I become a waiter.

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

A WIFE Sends a Message to Her HUSBAND

WIFE: “Honey, please don't forget to buy bread when you're coming home from work and lest I forget... Your girlfriend Elizabeth is also here and says hello to you.”

HUSBAND: Who is Elizabeth?

WIFE : Nobody, I just wanted you to respond, so I can have confirmation that you saw my message.

HUSBAND: But I’m with Elizabeth right now, I thought you saw us!

WIFE: What! Where are you?

Husband: Near the neighbourhood bakery.

WIFE: Wait, I’m coming right now!

After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:

WIFE:I’m at the bakery, where are you?

HUSBAND: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery, please buy the bread and go home!

 

[JohnRoberts]

I saw this on F_book, don't know if it is a joke, but it is a little funny except for the man being shot.

JR

 

[pucho812]

View attachment 123507

I saw this on F_book, don't know if it is a joke, but it is a little funny except for the man being shot.

JR

Well, what if he really was shitting?

 

[scott2000]

Well, what if he really was shitting?

...the title would say man shart

 

[Brian Roth]

Well, what if he really was shitting?

I'd say that man was having a sh!tty day.....

Bri

 

[Brian Roth]

...the title would say man shart

Or as an old engineer friend would say "I shat"

Thinking back to grade school verbs....Sh!t. Shat. Shut???

bri

 

[pucho812]

Classic…

 

[JohnRoberts]

God and a scientist were arguing about the creation of life.
The scientist said he could create life from this pile of dirt here.
God said, get your own dirt.

JR

 

[ruffrecords]

All my books fell on me just now. I have only my shelf to blame.

Cheers

IAn

 

[Rob Flinn]

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who got sacked ? She couldn't control her pupils ....

 

[ruffrecords]

What do pessimistic roosters say?

Cockadoodle don't.

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

 

[pucho812]

Satisfied a waitress last night with just my tip.

 

[pucho812]

a man who was in the cia spent decades in training. He learned to speak Russian with a Russian accent and everything he could to infiltrate Russia when his orders came. When his orders finally came he parachuted into Russia into a small town.
He went to the train station and asked in Russian how much for a ticket to Moscow. The cashier said 20 rubles my American comrade.
When he got to Moscow he asked for directions to the kremlin. The person given direction told him how to get there and ended it my American comrade.
Frustrated he walks into a bar and starts a conversation. They all call him their American comrade.
Frustrated he asks how did you know I was American?
They replied it’s because you are black.

 

[pucho812]

A man was in the hospital getting the world’s first brain transplant.
His doctor tells him that because the procedure is new, his insurance will not cover it. So, they are going to go over how much a brain cost.
The doctor says you have 3 options.
For 100 an ounce you get an engineers brain. For 200 an ounce you get a scientists brain. For 1000 an ounce you get a politicians brain.
The man goes what? That’s crazy why would anyone pay that much for a brain.
The doctor replies do you know how many politicians it takes to get a once of brain?

 

[JohnRoberts]

A man was in the hospital getting the world’s first brain transplant.
His doctor tells him that because the procedure is new, his insurance will not cover it. So, they are going to go over how much a brain cost.
The doctor says you have 3 options.
For 100 an ounce you get an engineers brain. For 200 an ounce you get a scientists brain. For 1000 an ounce you get a politicians brain.
The man goes what? That’s crazy why would anyone pay that much for a brain.
The doctor replies do you know how many politicians it takes to get a once of brain?

I recall hearing a variant on that joke back in the 1950s... instead of a brain transplant, it was an exclusive restaurant making brain stew. The pejorative punchline was an ethnic local minority, but still amusing.

JR

PS: I recall reading a short science fiction story back in the 70s that said there were only a modest number of basic joke formulas, and all the rest were variants substituting different targets to laugh at.

 

[pucho812]

What’s the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

The way the pronounce “unionized”

 

[Rob Flinn]

The worst job I had was an Alarm clock tester....It was a real eye opener.

 

[Rob Flinn]

My obese parrot died yesterday. Although Im very sad, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.